The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream,
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.  I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.  I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. 

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.  I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy. 

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and  if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live life with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.  I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.  I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't matter to me where or what or with whom you have studied.  I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
                                                          ~~Oriah, The Invitation~~

The Rainbow of Life

We see this rainbow everytime we look at or into one another's faces.  We see pieces of ourselves scattered all over the faces and hands and feet of the women who have touched our lives.  There is an instant look of acknowledgement.  A smile. A nod.  Sometimes a hug or a simple touch on the arm. 

Feeling around the edges of a new friendship shifts the rainbow and prisms of light spring up everywhere.  If that light shines and glows in a constant manner I know I have found another brilliant color to carry around with me.  If not, and it dulls and sputters I'm aware that I didn't have a chance to light the light that would have carried us forward. 

We are really lucky when we find those women that we relate to, those special, women with open hearts and minds.  Women who don't judge, who are sure of their past and just as unsure of their future.  I have room in my life for more of these women, but am at a impasse as there doesn't seem to many of them in my community.  Age has a lot to do with it, so many younger women, military wifes and mothers.  Older women that grew up in the area and have ties that bind them with families, and old friends, and that seems to be enough for them. 
I know that I've climbed a large chunk of my life and wise enough to know that certainity equals uncertainity.  For now I'll watch the edges of my rainbow and watch for sparks with open hearts.

Simple Perfection

For some "divine" reason unknown to me, this photo would not upload into the blog, but I had to share it!

Touching the Divine

Haven't you always heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  When I can see and touch that which I find divinely beautiful my heart sings.  It probably actually only hums, but it enthralls me, and the rest of the world becomes quiet and still. 

This bud, starts opening up and begins unfolding, slowly, lingering, never knowing if it will complete its journey into a full bloom.  I walk around the house with baited breath to find out if it survived one more night, one more blazing day in the harsh sunlight of the sandhills.  They don't show too much, too soon, spinning out little bits of color to my delight and awe.  They taught me just how deceptive a little bit of intense color can be, but I delight in the shades that appear as it opens a little more everyday.  Just as my journeys have taught me to traverse the world, one step at a time, with eyes wide open.  Never knowing what to expect next, just to expect it.

The world offers itself to all us in thousands of ways, reminding us of the mystery and awe in the simple things we have no control over.  I'd like to have ten blooms on every bush, but I'll take what I can get.  Much like the rest of my life in many ways.  It shows me that I must remember my place in things and to rise and meet the best in myself.  As each bud opens, I feel myself respond, sensing the real power in what is seen and valued.  Especially a smile!

Smiles.  Smiles are the threads that guide me through my days.  A bloom is good for a day, sometimes two, before it starts fading.  You will remember the beauty of a bloom and never forget the person that made you smile.  Alot of times the only thing I have to offer the people I meet everyday is nothing more than a smile, with the hope that it will transform their day and make their next few steps risks worth taking.

Saying Goodbye

I work with soldiers everyday.  Side by side with alot of them, as they learn nursing skills that they can take with them in their roll as medics.  I know that they aren't going to be with me long, so I try to impart all the knowledge I can, and hope that they are willing to soak it up and use it when they really need it.  It is great to have them support me on our busy days, we gave 1100 immunizations last week, and 1400 the week before; that is 2500 shots over a two week period, and it makes you darn tired. 

I've had the pleasure over the last year of working with Jon D.  He and his wonderful wife had a precious baby boy last August and we got to experience her pregnancy and his weight gain!  Jon is 25 and could be my son.  And he is leaving us to go to Germany, then on to Afghanistan in July. I've given him a few of my German books that I will probably never again use in the hope that it will help them feel some familiarity with the country when they arrive.  Fortunately they are excited about the journey.  It is a good one and Dave and I have tried to impress that on them.  Adventure and history.  We have encouraged them to travel, to get out and explore, learn new things.  Open their minds to everything around them.  It is going to be tough.  She is a young mother and he is a soldier.  This next couple of years is going to define who they are in their relationship.  I told her it will make her a strong woman and to embrace it.  I encouraged her to get out and meet and be a part of her new military family.  It is different over there.  Tighter and stronger if you give it a chance.  Lots of support.  He has no idea what he is in for, war is hell.  I love these kids, all of them, that make this sacrifice for our country.  I'm going to miss these two (three) in particular.

Beauty

May I walk with Beauty before me.

May I walk with Beauty behind me.

May I walk with Beauty above me.

May I walk with Beauty below me.

May I walk with Beauty all around me.

As I walk the Beauty way.

Navaho Prayer

Castles in the Air

This is where I live.  Really.  In my dreams.  And a girl can dream, can't she?  I wonder around in a mad reverie most of the time, getting lost a lot.  Secret passageways, hidden rooms, it is really a wonderful place to spend time and while away the hours.  Coop and Hen, my imaginary friends, spend lots of time with me, conversing and giggling.  Sharing secrets that only special friends are privy to. I walk around naked alot here, because I can, because Coop and Hen don't really care and I don't scare myself to death.  The windows are open constantly and there are always breezes wafting through, wonderful scents to stimulate my senses.  My books and paint brushes are always within hands reach, ready to stretch my imagination, explore far away worlds and capture priceless moments.  My camera as always is attached to me in some way, shape or form.  I want to be able always to see what I have seen and remember the way it looked the second it locked in my memory.

I have lots of memories, lots of photos and not much time anymore.

But a girl can dream, can't she?

Pink Dogwood, Wisteria and Rain

Sometimes it is the little things that give you the biggest thrill.  I was driving home from work one evening and noticed the wisteria climbing all over everything and blooming like crazy.  Then a couple of days later a dogwood jumped out at me, well, not literally, it just caught my eye (the one on the right, the good one) and I smiled to myself.  Spring really is here.  Actually it has been here in NC for a couple of weeks, cherry and crabapple trees have been blooming, light to dark pinks, and the forsythia in brilliant, bright yellow.  Most of all, over the past few days, the neon, snot-green pollen has started floating through the air.  Complaints of headaches, stuffed noses and sneezes are everywhere, coming from everyone.  Hopefully the rain today and tomorrow will help it abate for a few days; I heard the other day that this is supposed to be the worst pollen season in a long time, so it won't be over, unfortunately, for me.  I did learn an important lesson last year; keep the doors and windows closed and don't breath as long as you're outside.  The really sad part of this spring for me is the fact that I haven't been able to capture any of it with the camera.  My eye has made it impossible, even with the digital camera.  Too much of vision deficit to work with, simply said, blurry is the word.

It has been crazy, busy at the SRC for the past two weeks.  Chaos and confusion reigned.  Lots of men and women (mostly men this time) in digitalized greens and browns.  Lots of immunizations given.  My co-worker Sonja was sitting at the desk closest to the thermostat and I asked her Thursday to turn on the air.  The blank look on her face was priceless, "Air?", she asked.  It zoomed right over her head, as it swished by, she finally caught on to what I was asking for, but at that moment it was as though I had asked her in German or French, or some alien language..."what is this air you are asking about".  We got a much needed laugh out of it, but it is sad that you can reach that level of tired.  We have given pretty close to 2500 immunizations in the past couple of weeks.  That is really an unbelievable number when you divide it by the three people giving them.  Stupid tired is what I call it!!!

I had lunch with a friend today.  I have considered her a friend since late last summer.  We have talked alot and shared much. She is a strong believer in AA and is a recovered alcoholic.  There are things in her life she was a bit allusive about; a long distance relationship and a partner that treated her like a doormat.  Her sister and I had both encouraged her to end it and walk away before she got burned.  I know how hard that is and how long it can take sometimes.  But she finally did it and she looks and sounds so much better.  But, I found out the biggest allusion of all today...her partner was a female and she is a lesbian, well, bisexual, well, confused.  She had always referred to her as her "partner, friend or lover", never alluding to the fact that she was a she!  I was a little shocked and wide eyed, hopefully my jaw didn't drop too far down on my chest.  I can't really say I was too surprised.  I've always wondered.  She has been dating a guy for the past month or so, hence the confusion.  She says he knows about her involvement with females and doesn't mind and would like to watch sometime...duh!!!  What does one say to all this?  It is hard to think and form cohesive sentences when you are more than a little surprised, not shocked, just surprised.  I told her I wasn't shocked and had really wondered, but that I did not and would not base our friendship on her sexual proclivity, unless she had designs on me that didn't fit, lol!!  I guess the real zinger for me is that at the age of 52 she is still "wondering" where her life will take her.  Maybe that is a good thing, maybe not.  It doesn't change the fact that I consider her a friend and hope she will continue to confide in me when she needs an ear.

I'm glad I know who I am and where I belong.

Lost in the Rat Race of Life

It has been pretty close to a year since I blogged.  Between becoming disengaged with myspace and starting a full time job, I lost my words.  Maybe not lost, but separated from.  Several of you have encouraged me, and championed me to return to the wonderful world of blogging.  I am going to attempt it.  I picked up a journal last night and somewhere over the past several months I have also let my writing go; I could not believe the amount of dust it collected.  Somehow I feel that my words and thoughts have become just as dusty and neglected.  It is not fair to my creative juices to just let them dry up, but some greater force within me tried, with all it's might, to shut me up! It has been a long, dry season.  Lots of thoughts bottled up, opinions withheld and top-secrets buried to protect myself along with the innocent. 

The top-secret shit comes with my job.  Also HIPPA rules regulate what and how I say anything pertaining to my position.  So I will have to make stuff up and change the names of the guilty to protect the not-so-innocent.

I'm in the process of de-junking my art room.  It too has become neglected with the short dark, days of winter.  Projects are planned and waiting.  More than a few of you have been promised something homemade from me before years end, so I must get started.  Ideas abound, so it is time to harness them and turn them into bounty.

It is sad that I let this job take over my life.  But I am going to retake it, shake it up a little and breath some new life into it.  Quite possibly I will find me underneath it all.