Time--Interrupted

As we age we often wonder just where time goes.  The past couple of years have flown right by me and I have no idea where they've gone.  Don't get me wrong, they've been great.  Dave has been doing a lot of traveling for work, this trip he has been gone for the past 70 days and will be gone about 100 or so more.  Me, well, I've been giving a lot of shots and tolerating a lot of bullshit.  Just for grins and giggles I applied for a new position last October and low and behold, found out about 3 weeks ago I actually got it.  This is my last week at the SRC and I am utterly thrilled.  No more stressing about whether or not I making someone happy, whether or not I am stepping on toes.  It is time for me to find my bliss and do what I do best.  Be me.  There will be a lot of documenting involved, so I am hoping it helps me find my love of words again. 

I'm anxious for spring to arrive and the days to grow longer.  It has been a milder winter than usual, but that hasn't helped quell the seasonal depression that arrives with winter every year.

Here is hoping that I can continue to move forward, without any interruptions and find something to inspire to write about again.

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream,
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.  I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.  I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. 

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.  I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy. 

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and  if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live life with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.  I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.  I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't matter to me where or what or with whom you have studied.  I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
                                                          ~~Oriah, The Invitation~~

The Rainbow of Life

We see this rainbow everytime we look at or into one another's faces.  We see pieces of ourselves scattered all over the faces and hands and feet of the women who have touched our lives.  There is an instant look of acknowledgement.  A smile. A nod.  Sometimes a hug or a simple touch on the arm. 

Feeling around the edges of a new friendship shifts the rainbow and prisms of light spring up everywhere.  If that light shines and glows in a constant manner I know I have found another brilliant color to carry around with me.  If not, and it dulls and sputters I'm aware that I didn't have a chance to light the light that would have carried us forward. 

We are really lucky when we find those women that we relate to, those special, women with open hearts and minds.  Women who don't judge, who are sure of their past and just as unsure of their future.  I have room in my life for more of these women, but am at a impasse as there doesn't seem to many of them in my community.  Age has a lot to do with it, so many younger women, military wifes and mothers.  Older women that grew up in the area and have ties that bind them with families, and old friends, and that seems to be enough for them. 
I know that I've climbed a large chunk of my life and wise enough to know that certainity equals uncertainity.  For now I'll watch the edges of my rainbow and watch for sparks with open hearts.

Simple Perfection

For some "divine" reason unknown to me, this photo would not upload into the blog, but I had to share it!

Touching the Divine

Haven't you always heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  When I can see and touch that which I find divinely beautiful my heart sings.  It probably actually only hums, but it enthralls me, and the rest of the world becomes quiet and still. 

This bud, starts opening up and begins unfolding, slowly, lingering, never knowing if it will complete its journey into a full bloom.  I walk around the house with baited breath to find out if it survived one more night, one more blazing day in the harsh sunlight of the sandhills.  They don't show too much, too soon, spinning out little bits of color to my delight and awe.  They taught me just how deceptive a little bit of intense color can be, but I delight in the shades that appear as it opens a little more everyday.  Just as my journeys have taught me to traverse the world, one step at a time, with eyes wide open.  Never knowing what to expect next, just to expect it.

The world offers itself to all us in thousands of ways, reminding us of the mystery and awe in the simple things we have no control over.  I'd like to have ten blooms on every bush, but I'll take what I can get.  Much like the rest of my life in many ways.  It shows me that I must remember my place in things and to rise and meet the best in myself.  As each bud opens, I feel myself respond, sensing the real power in what is seen and valued.  Especially a smile!

Smiles.  Smiles are the threads that guide me through my days.  A bloom is good for a day, sometimes two, before it starts fading.  You will remember the beauty of a bloom and never forget the person that made you smile.  Alot of times the only thing I have to offer the people I meet everyday is nothing more than a smile, with the hope that it will transform their day and make their next few steps risks worth taking.

Saying Goodbye

I work with soldiers everyday.  Side by side with alot of them, as they learn nursing skills that they can take with them in their roll as medics.  I know that they aren't going to be with me long, so I try to impart all the knowledge I can, and hope that they are willing to soak it up and use it when they really need it.  It is great to have them support me on our busy days, we gave 1100 immunizations last week, and 1400 the week before; that is 2500 shots over a two week period, and it makes you darn tired. 

I've had the pleasure over the last year of working with Jon D.  He and his wonderful wife had a precious baby boy last August and we got to experience her pregnancy and his weight gain!  Jon is 25 and could be my son.  And he is leaving us to go to Germany, then on to Afghanistan in July. I've given him a few of my German books that I will probably never again use in the hope that it will help them feel some familiarity with the country when they arrive.  Fortunately they are excited about the journey.  It is a good one and Dave and I have tried to impress that on them.  Adventure and history.  We have encouraged them to travel, to get out and explore, learn new things.  Open their minds to everything around them.  It is going to be tough.  She is a young mother and he is a soldier.  This next couple of years is going to define who they are in their relationship.  I told her it will make her a strong woman and to embrace it.  I encouraged her to get out and meet and be a part of her new military family.  It is different over there.  Tighter and stronger if you give it a chance.  Lots of support.  He has no idea what he is in for, war is hell.  I love these kids, all of them, that make this sacrifice for our country.  I'm going to miss these two (three) in particular.

Beauty

May I walk with Beauty before me.

May I walk with Beauty behind me.

May I walk with Beauty above me.

May I walk with Beauty below me.

May I walk with Beauty all around me.

As I walk the Beauty way.

Navaho Prayer